a reflective ego

I always feel like Death is looking over my shoulder.
Its very difficult for me to make plans since whenever I do, i wonder "will i be alive then?"
Very odd i think.
Am i afraid of the future?
Or have i been so completly bombarded with the facts and statistics of today that I, like many others in Gen X/Y, feel that life itself is worth very little and can be taken at any given moment by any given event?
I think this notion also works itself into my psyche when undertaking new projects, that my subconcious feels it doesnt want to leave anything unfinished, and since i could leave at any moment, whats the point in starting anything?
whats inside that makes me think underneath and sideways?
I frequently feel as if I am part of an experiment, and that i am constantly being tested on my reactions to things, forever thinking them through, rarely acting without weighing consequences. As if "is this the way a normal person would react or should i do it this way because maybe this is the way a normal person would react?"
forever questioning, perhaps i dont trust myself?
I wonder.

No comments: